A piece of paradise

Cathedral Cove

Hot Water BeachI still cannot quite grasp that it all happened today, on this one day.
Early this morning I had to say goodbye to my friends here.
On the one hand sad, on the other hand a necessity to go further.
Because this journey has just begun and will continue for some time.
So it was time to pack things, say goodbye, pack up and go.
In the bus.
After I’ve done everything here before, so neither backpacking nor abandoned everything (job and apartment quit backpack packed and go) overwhelmed me all in between.
It starts with little things like what I cook, for how many days I buy, up to, I still need something or what I have ….
I can learn to look through here and ask, the others who travel with me.
Funny, sometimes you stand there together and ask yourself the same thing.
Immediately there is a connection.
I love travelling.
But now back to today.
After a short stop at the supermarket we went to Cathedral Cove.
Granted, the way uphill, downhill will not be my favorite, but the arrival at the destination compensates for everything.
Through the cave to look at the open sea.Cathedral Cove Beach
A piece of paradise, sure, that must be it.
Immediately afterwards I went into the water for the first time since I was there.
Okay, rather than running.
Too big the anticipation of the refreshment.
When I arrived in the water, I just felt deep gratitude and fulfillment.
Thankful for being able to experience this, to be able to feel.
So, when dreams come true.
After having dinner at our campsite today, I sat with the others for a short time.
At some point there was this moment again.
The one I know all too well.
How many times have I had this impulse?
Countless times.
And how often did I oppress it.
Thought that cannot be done, I can not do that.
What do the others think of me then?
I am a bad person, oh god.
And so on.
Today it was different.
Instead of suppressing it once again I followed him this time, my impulse.
I packed my things and left.
Backpack on, music in the ears and off you go.
Run, just start running.
Away from the others, towards me.
For me.
With every step I took, it felt better.
In the beginning, the old thoughts came, but they left me with each further step I went.
How many years did I spend hiding it, feeling wrong, not being like others and getting ready to condemn myself?
Forcing myself to be like the others.
Normal, wanted to belong.
The more I did that, the worse it got.
When I arrived at the beach, I felt so safe and secure.
Looking at the waves, I started to play with my feet in it.Spaziergang am Hot Water Beach
A great feeling of freedom came over me.
The others are the others and always will be.
This is mine, that’s me.
While I was still in my thoughts continuing my walk, I looked at the people around me.
All of a sudden, I discovered a familiar face.
That’s impossible.
Even the second look, it was her.
Here at the other end of the world I met a former dear colleague again.
The world is just a village, right?
We both had to laugh heartily, talked briefly, then go back to each of his ways.
Without knowing where, it was there.
The thought, the knowledge.
I am exhausted.
Not just a bit or something.
This is a completely different kind of exhaustion.
I’m tired of it.
I spent many years of my life fighting.
Set me again and again, almost every day on an imaginary battlefield, ready to go to battle.
My very own fight, day by day.
Ever went one without?
For years, I wish nothing more than to be happy, to take it easy.
Look around often, see many other people who seem to have it so easy or often take it easy.
Damn ax, why can not I?
Am I just too stupid or something?
In the meantime I am sure that it is not.
But on the contrary.
For some time not only here on the trip but before, I tried it.
Tried to live a happy life.
More ease and joy to let in.
Sometimes that worked out quite well.
Only time and again did I get to the point where I sabotaged myself to be honest.
Why is that?
Is not that totally stupid?
Yes, I believed that myself for a long time.
After all, I know so much, there should be an easy one for me.
I’ve just overlooked a trifle with all this.
Well, for almost 30 years, I’m going into battle, day after day, against myself and all those things that are not what I would like them to be
Now, from one day to the other, I suddenly want to go to the flower field instead of the battlefield and dance around with light footing for joy.
I do not know the way.
So far I have stood there without weapons, stopped fighting, but still on the battlefield.
That there is not so much with flowers, peace and lightness, goes without saying or?
So it’s all about rethinking, giving the whole a whole new frame.
Why do I sometimes get onto the battlefield?
Absolutely logical.
I know the way, know what awaits me, may feel like a piece at home.
Now it is time to find new home, with ease and joy.
Challenge, I see you and accept you.
As the waves of the sea came to shore, thoughts and insights came to me.
No idea why, but at some point as a child, I decided for myself, I do not want the life that is intended for me.
I also did not dare to go through my own plan, having a guilty conscience already when I was drandenken.
To the one I say no and then I just do what I want?
No, I can not do that.
So what did I do?
Seeking a compromise.
On the beach after all this time, I realized how much time has passed since I met this decision unconsciously as a child.
Too often, I suppressed my innermost wishes, even when it came to just trying out something.
I forbade it.
Can not go, I can not do.
Why not?
Not to disappoint or hurt anyone, not to live up to expectations, because then I’m not like everyone else?
Yes, these thoughts and some others are hindering me, forcing me to my knees when it comes to living my own life the way I want it.
Stop the compromises.
Who really has any of this?
Oh yes, nobody.
I beg your pardon?
And why exactly did I do that all the time?
Maybe to get to this point right now.
Still completely unsure how to do it without compromise and what it is, if not what I have done so far, I am grateful for these thoughts, all the questions.
Apparently it gets clearer, knots break loose, things dare to surface so I can look at them.
OK then.
How will it end up?
Where and how will I live?
What kind of person do I want to be, if I can choose it?
Suddenly, my self-imposed boundaries seem to have no more stock to dissolve.
This is crazy and liberating at the same time.
With all these findings and the scent of the sea in my nose I lie down to sleep right away.Sunset at Hot Water Beach
Filled with gratitude and love, for me and the life I have received as a gift.
Time to finally consider it as such, to appreciate it.
Now it’s off to bed for me.
What a day.
How it will continue tomorrow.

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